And we'll be right back after this short newsbreak.
- Frasier? I'm here to give you a tip. FRASIER: Really?
- Hey, Gil. - Roz. I'm about to review
a divine new Italian trattoria I've discovered called Bella, Bella.
I'm alerting you now because once I review it,
reservations will be impossible to come by.
Thank you, Gil. It's always gratifying to be a few minutes ahead of a trend.
They make an osso buco that's so divine
I call it the Veal-shank Redemption.
- Hey, guys. - Oh, Kenny.
The show's going great, Frasier. Only one thing missing, of course.
I know, I know, a new theme song.
I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Mrs. Delafield's been hounding me on this.
She thinks each show having a theme song
will help hook the listeners. Gil's got his.
My first choice was "Food, Glorious Food" from the show Oliver.
That's a perfect match. Haute cuisine and a chorus of starving orphans.
But then a composer friend of mine came up with this little ditty for me.
Whether choosing a wine Or the best place to dine.
It's all a matter of taste Yes, sir.
It's all a matter of taste.
Great, huh?
And the nicest thing is, he didn't take a penny for it.
Well, at least he has a conscience.
You know, Kenny, I'm sorry for procrastinating on this thing.
I tell you, I'll get one as soon as I possibly can, all right?
Well, you better come up with something here.
I'm sorry to be a hard-ass. It's the part of my job I hate the most.
But I need this thing on my desk, Monday... ish, you know.
You know, Roz, hearing Gil's little ditty puts me in mind
that maybe we should just do an original song.
My new boyfriend, Leon, is in a band. He could write one for you.
I was thinking of composing it. I'm not without musical ability.
Could you at least hire Leon to accompany you?
- I take it he's desperate for work? - Hasn't had a gig in months.
Music is all he knows. He's not good at anything else except in bed.
- That's what he does best. - Yes.
- How long did it take to find that out? - Ten seconds.
Oh, longer than usual.
- Frasier. - Oh, Niles.
Oh, dear, we had dinner plans tonight, didn't we?
- Yes, don't tell me you're cancelling. - I have a little project this evening.
Would this have anything to do with this new theme song you promised?
It does. I've gotta have something by Monday,
and I thought I'd take advantage of a nice, quiet evening at home.
Oh, Lord.
Daphne. Daphne, would you please turn off that vacuum cleaner?
It's not a vacuum cleaner.
It's the Dirt Scourge 2000, a total cleansing system.
- Is it new? - Yeah, got it this afternoon.
You see, this water traps all the dirt particles
instead of recycling them back into the air.
I got all that just from Dr. Crane's pillow.
Eww.
I've been begging you to switch to a more abrasive loofa.
No, it would be the same for anyone. Dead skin, dust mites,
that's what we're sleeping on, only we don't know it.
We do now, jeez.
This is the chance I've been waiting for.
Well, apparently, the Dirt Scourge 2000
is no match for the Dirt Pile 1957.
Well, this is going back.
On the commercial, they cleaned all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Now I can get down to work.
Niles, I'm sorry again about dinner, but can I buy you a sherry?
Oh, thank you.
About this theme song of yours, why don't you just use a standard?
FRASIER: Actually, I want to compose one myself.
I've always had an affinity for music,
and I've often wondered what I might achieve
if I just rolled up my sleeves and gave it a try.
Didn't you write some musical in school?
Yes, I did, Dad. Niles was in it.
The whole school came out humming my opening anthem.
They went in humming it. It was Beethoven's "Ninth Symphony."
FRASIER: It was not. - It was.
It was not at all.
We are valiant men of honour.
Wenching, brawling sons of fun.
FRASIER: Well, all right, all right.
Well, I suppose I may have borrowed a note or two as a launching pad.
Prancing, leaping, laughing, leaping...
All right, point taken.
Over a hill and...
Stop it.
I'm sorry, I'm just teasing. It was a wonderful show.
- I was proud to be acting in it. - Niles, you were wonderful in it, as well.
Well, thank you. I thought so.
I thought if I'd kept at it, I could've been a professional actor.
You see? We all have a road not taken,
some unfinished business worth exploring.
I always wanted to be a toe dancer, but a bullet ended my dream.
Well, Frasier, if you need any help with this, I'm right here.
Thank you. I'd rather handle the composing myself,
- but I could use a sounding board. - Fair enough.
Let's put our heads together.
Figuratively speaking, of course, I saw what came out of your pillow.
I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
- Really? - Oh, absolutely. This is...
Claustrophobia, nymphomania.
He will probe ya, he'll explain to ya.
It's brilliant.
You know, it does have
a Cole Porter-y, Stephen Sondheim-y flavour, doesn't it?
Oh, absolutely. Yes, Sondheimy would've killed to have written this.
You know what? I'm a little nervous.
It just may be a bit too conventional.
Perhaps instead of a regular bridge,
I could substitute it with a dramatic monolog
spoken against a musical background.
I like it.
Of course, I would have to hire an actor.
I suppose you could squander money on some so-called professional.
Someone who doesn't know a thing about psychiatry.
Someone who doesn't understand the whole gestalt.
- Or maybe you could do it. - I think so.
Oh, Niles, I will write you a speech that will challenge your histrionic range.
This is so exciting. Let's play the chorus again.
- Okay. MARTIN: Hey, hey, Fras?
- Yes. - I got an idea for your little jingle.
It came to me while I was brushing my teeth.
What's new? I'm listening.
Feeling blue I'm listening.
Because that's what you say on your show.
Feeling sad, feeling mad, feeling glad Feeling bad, I'm listening
Bravo. That's wonderful.
Thanks. It's catchy. That's what counts in a jingle.
Well, that's very, very nice, Dad.
It's just that, well, I did promise my listeners
that I'd compose this myself. It's no fair cheating.
- It's not cheating technically... - Yes, very good, Dad. Thank you.
- Off you go. - Okay, all right.
Hey, Frasier, are you sure you want to modulate here?
That may just complicate things.
Perhaps.
You know, I'm just trying to make it interesting.
To my ear, there's something lacking, some tiny ingredient that's missing.
I'm not sure what.
All right, everyone. Let's try this again.
We still have a few minutes before the choir gets here.
Well, finally the choir has deigned to join us.
Sorry, our bus broke down. We had to walk two miles to get here.
Then I suppose we can dispense with the breathing exercises
I was going to recommend. Please, if you would. Off you go.
- Frasier? - Yes.
Did you mean to cut paragraph five of my monolog?
Gosh, I might have, Niles. I've just been so busy. What was the gist?
A light-hearted lampoon of mental-health-care abuse.
Yes, I did. I was afraid that some fussbudget
might take of fence at my jape about lobotomies.
I suppose it's best to play it safe.
I did like the way you indicated manic depression with the slide whistle.
Do we really have to use so many musicians?
For the sound I want, yes.
Whatever happened to the concept of less is more?
But if less is more, then just think how much more more would be.
You may be seated.
If I may have your attention, please.
I'd like to take a few minutes to explain my artistic vision.
Take as long as you want. We're all on the clock.
Point well taken. Moving right along, then, thank you.
Sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic.
Some stupid bus broke down. This is Leon.
- Hello, Leon. Lovely to meet you. LEON: Hey, Dr. Crane.
Why don't you help yourself to the refreshment table?
I've got to have a few words with Roz.
Roz, we've got a problem.
In scoring, I had to eliminate the guitar part.
- Put it back. - Well, I can't.
I'm afraid another instrument might make things sound cluttered.
Unless, of course, Leon can play the bagpipe.
- Bagpipe? - Yes.
Our show deals with the whole range of emotion,
from euphoria to despair.
And nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Nothing says turn off the radio so quickly, either.
- Isn't there something he can play? - Well, I...
Yes, yes, actually, our triangle player called in with a touch of tinnitus.
Here we are. Leon, I have some good news for you.
I had to eliminate the guitar part, but I'm promoting you to first triangle.
I've never played one of these. It looks tricky.
- I'll work with him. FRASIER: Yes.
Off you go-
Well, then, now, people, before we start,
I was wondering, are there any questions?
- Yes. Viola. - My name is Tiffany.
No, no, no. I'm calling you by your instrument name,
so as to avoid confusion.
Well, I have a question about measure 34.
I thought you might.
You see, I've accelerated the tempo there
in order to depict the yearning of the superego.
Very perceptive of you to spot that.
No, I meant, are these eighth notes or what?
Yes, eighth notes.
Anyone else? Yes, timpani.
- You just answered my question. - Not Tiffany, timpani.
What are we rehearsing this for? Are we gonna record it?
Yes, we are waiting for the final go-ahead from my station manager,
and then we will be recording it. Yes, anyone else?
Yes, actor.
I'm just wondering how my monolog
is going to be audible over all these instruments.
That's a good point, Niles.
You may be seated.
It is imperative that everyone play pianissimo
during the spoken portions. Very, very softly.
That applies particularly to brass and timpani.
Why me?
To the drums, Tiffany.
Oh, Dad, Daphne, so glad you came.
Oh, well, after all, it is the world premiere of your theme song.
Now, I don't have to search you two for any hidden recording devices, do I?
The last thing I need is some bootleg CDs flooding the marketplace.
- Boy, you've got everything here. - This is not a time for stinting, Dad.
I've got everything from the African rainstick to the Javanese tam-tam.
Are the tam-tams the long ones with the cream in the middle?
Oh, Kenny. Kenny, I'm so glad you made it.
I think you're in for a surprise.
Well, I gotta tell you, I don't surprise easily. Whoa!
Our little ensemble.
So many musicians all working on a weekend.
I realise that we are a bit over budget, I promise I will pick up the difference.
All right, the time has come to unveil my magnum opus.
Just let me do a little fine-tuning on the opening fanfare.
Oh, brass, if you will, please. In four.
The first measure.
Well, you see, that's fine as far as it goes.
But this time I want you to do it with a bit more grandeur,
with some majesty and a soupçon of awe.
There, you see, that's what good conducting can do.
All right, everyone, the time we've been waiting for is at hand.
And with a simple bow of thanks
to the muse Calliope, let us begin.
Whom can you turn to For prompt diagnosis.
- A fetish or fantasy. - Sex or psychosis.
MAN: No problem at all Let us handle your call.
On our show On our show.
Bring us your traumas Your latent neurosis.
- Erectile dysfunction. - Bed-wetting, narcosis.
MAN: There's no need for shame You can use a false name.
CHORUS: On our show On our show.
Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind?
What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious?
Lurid images, lewd desires,
guilty pleasures, strange compulsions.
The catalogue of human behaviour, from the aberrant to the monstrous,
lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key.
So if you are stymied To find a prognosis.
And ask yourself, just like Freud
Stop scratching your head Let us cure it instead.
CHORUS: On our show On our show.
Now here is the man to explain The tortured terrain of your brain.
The man who feels everyone's pain.
Dr. Crane Dr. Crane.
Frasier Crane.
Way to go, Leon.
Well, Kenny, what's your reaction?
Wow.
Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
Wow.
I thought as much. And in anticipation of your approval,
I had the forethought to order in a little bubbly.
Niles, if you would help me, please. You were wonderful.
Thank you. The trombone frightened me.
Wow.
That was sure something, wasn't it?
I'll say. Sort of like Gilbert and Sullivan, only frightening.
A little jingle. That's all we wanted.
- Ten seconds to start the show. - Maybe Frasier can cut this down...
He gives me harps and drums and people speaking German.
All we wanted was a simple little jingle.
Probably more like the one you came up with.
Tell him yours, Mr. Crane.
Oh, no, no, it was nothing. I can't even remember how it goes.
Well, I do.
How are you? I'm listening...
No, it doesn't go like that.
Then, you sing it, Mr. Crane.
Well, all right, but you know, it's really nothing.
What's new? I'm listening.
Feeling blue I'm listening.
Feeling sad, feeling mad, feeling bad Feeling glad, I'm listening.
That's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for.
You know, it sets the mood. It says it all.
Did that just pop into your head?
Hardly.
It was gut-wrenching, but it's nice to know that I made it look easy.
No, no, no, I'm talking about your dad's little jingle.
- Dad's? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just sang it.
It's exactly the type of thing we need. You know, simple, catchy.
You know, we ought to just use that one.
FRASER: No, no, no, Kenny, no, no.
If simple is what you wanted, you should have just said so.
- I thought I did. FRASIER: Well, obviously not.
Now I know what you want, there's nothing easier.
I can write simple. I promise you, it'll be something far more memorable
than what my dad came up with.
Well, I don't know. I remember it.
What's new? I'm listening.
CHORUS: Feeling blue I'm listening.
Feeling sad, feeling mad, feeling bad Feeling glad, I'm listening.
You're off the clock.
Hey, Fras, how's it going?
Merrily, merrily.
You know, it's getting kind of late. Maybe you should call it a night, huh?
Dad, you heard Kenny.
I have to come up with something simple as yours by Monday.
By the way, thanks again for completely upstaging me today.
Oh, come on. I'm sorry I stole your thunder,
- but it's not like I did it on purpose. - I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.
Well, maybe you're just thinking too much.
Look at me. I go to the bathroom, I'm flossing my teeth,
and that song pops in my head.
You're suggesting I bring out a spool of floss?
Well, it might not be a bad idea for a couple of reasons.
Frasier, why don't you just decide what you want to say and say it
without a lot of big words and showing off?
And the tune should be something simple, something you can whistle.
I tried whistling that thing you wrote today, and I got lightheaded.
It might've been that last doughnut.
I went back for one of those African rainsticks.
The truth is, Dad,
I'm not sure I can do simple.
Well, I don't know if you can or if you just don't want to.
But, you know, some of the best things in the world are simple, Fras.
Like that art gallery you took me to a couple of months ago.
Do you remember? You were "oohing" and "aahing"
over this painting of a big red dot.
Yeah, Dad, but there is a difference
between simple and deceptively simple.
Well, all I'm saying is that it's fine to be smart,
but you shouldn't have to be proving it all the time. That's all.
You know, just as an experiment,
tell me what it is you're trying to say, stripped down to nuts and bolts.
All right.
In my first stanza, I want to represent myself as the ombudsman
between the conscious and subconscious minds of my listeners.
Ah.
Well, there you are. There's the song right there.
All we need is a rhyme for "ombudsman" and we can go to bed.
Well, I was playing around with "north Woodsman."
Oh, Frasier.
Look, I'm gonna tell you what your show is about.
People have a problem, they're feeling low,
they call you, you make them feel better.
- Oh, for God's sake, Dad. - Well, it...
- That's it. Why don't you write that? - How would that sound?
If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low,
looking for some answers...
Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck. How will I ever find a rhyme for "low"?
Okay, smart aleck. I was just trying to help.
Well, thanks, Dad. I'm sorry. You know, it's just not my thing.
Okay. Well, I'm going to bed.
So if you need any help tomorrow, all you gotta do is ask.
FRASIER: Thanks, Dad.
If you've got a problem
if you're feeling low.
Looking for some answers.
MARTIN: Things you need to know
CHORUS: If you've got a problem
if you're feeling low.
Looking for some answers Things you need to know.
All you gotta do is ask.
All you gotta do is ask